AUGUST 2023
I was in the overwhelming hunt for my apartment and going through a lot of struggle where I was residing, when I got a sad news that seemed to cut the thread of hope I had been trying so hard to hold onto. After a while of trying to put it together, I burst into tears while walking on a street heading home from my office. I was angry at God and myself, I was hurting, confused and feeling so much guilt plus shame.
I felt so overwhelmed in pain and the burst of emotions that I didn’t know how to talk to Jesus. I saw Him, His Presence was clear but I was hurting and perhaps confused plus resentful towards Him. As I approached a bank’s ATM to make a withdrawal, the few people there turned at me, showing concern as to why tears were all streaming over my cheeks in public.
I don’t think I can explain how overwhelming those 6 -7 months were, all the while working a job that was toxic for me, living with about 7 ladies in a single room and many other things that mentioning them here might give a sour mood.
As I walked out the bank, not answering anyone who tried to know why I was crying so much, I started to suppress my hurt and tell myself scriptures, not in a way that brought healing and comfort but just something to get my pain off my mind. I felt better but in less than an hour, as I sat in the backyard having my dinner, I broke down again, I was deeply cut, yet I wouldn’t talk to Him.
Recently, He had taught me over and over to talk to Him in my place of pain and overwhelm, one of the reasons I experience so much pain is because I let my pain take a toll on me before mentioning it to Him. After crying out my eyes and soul, I think I finally whispered ‘Jesus’ and He asked me, “Why do you talk to Me when you want not when I tell you to?”
I don’t know what answer I gave, probably noting that I felt so overwhelmed.
He simply replied in the most loving, tender way, “What is the essence of My teaching you if you won’t practice what I teach you?”
I realized that it wasn’t just about me, it was about Him. I am His love and He doesn’t enjoy it when I drown in pain, it hurts His heart so much, when He is right inside me, feeling my every hurt yet having the answer to call me higher, but I choose to stay in my hurt, not turning to His Face.
Over the course of weeks; episodes of pain, disappointments, much more overwhelming experiences took place at different points with a different things, the apartment hunt being the first. Many times, I got so resentful towards Him, crying my eyes out, wondering how He said He loved me yet kept me in so much pain.
One of the days, I had wailed for hours, got angry, resentful, blamed Him, tried my best to suppress the pain, tried to sleep and so on, nothing worked. Finally, I tilted my heart a bit toward Him and with His eyes on me and His heart full of indescribable love, He quietly spoke, “As long as you keep using your pain as a weapon against our relationship, instead of a grease, I can’t help you.”
I could sense and feel the hurt in His Voice alongside the authority of His Lordship, and though I don’t remember my response now, I know my heart wanted a solution immediately, I had tried to work things out by myself and failed, I felt like a slave with no options, I wanted to take charge of my life and see things happen, instead of being so lost in many painful events.
As I sat there, my tear-filled face covered in my palms placed on my lap, my heart’s cry was a way out, I didn’t want to be in the pain anymore, I wanted Him to change the situation or take way the pain I felt.
He gently yet sternly responded with His eyes tenderly fixed on me, “You want Me to take away the pain but no, I want to be with you in it”
As I paid more attention to hear Him say more, He instructed me to get some sleep because my day was stressful coupled with hours of painful tears, however, my response was “No, speak to me, I am still feeling so much pain,” but He insisted and when I decided to obey, me that had be struggling sleep for hours to no avail, slept off in few minutes.
Later that night, amid our conversation He said to me, “Goodie, I am the One who loves you the most, being angry with Me won’t work, keeping malice with Me won’t work. You cannot function without Me”
I can tell you His words hit me, even though I had every human right to be angry, I knew He spoke the truth and embracing the truth in pain is hard. I repeatedly used my pain as a weapon against our relationship, I was quick to resent Him and go silent, I shared my joy with Him, but I faced my pain alone.
Since then when I find myself in pain, that statement rings in my heart, sometimes I would be so hurt and resenting but with tears I would say, “Lord, I don’t want to use my pain as a weapon against us, I am trying …”
And every time He has met me there.
Not one time did I sincerely cry to Him that He didn’t meet with me, not with the answers many times, not taking away the pain either, but with something tangible enough to remind me of His love, my place as His child and bride, His compassion and absolute care. Most days we have a conversation, other days, I can see His eyes watching over me and even His silence is a quiet assurance that lets you know He’s got you covered.
Embracing the love and compassion of Jesus can be a tough one, especially if like me, you are so used to suffering but He cares even about the littlest of things, its not until it makes you cry or until it makes you wail, the fact that it gets to you means it gets to Him and there is no place too low for His Presence to meet with you.
Don’t be a slave to pain, embrace the love and compassion of Jesus that pulls you out of it or gives you the grace to endure it. Jesus sees you and He wants to cradle you in His arms. Man or woman, you are the one He loves so much and died for you.
snippet of our conversation
One time we were having a conversation where He taught me the daily sacrifice it takes to be His Bride and to know Him as Ishi – bridegroom and husband– (Hosea 2).
Below is a snippet of our conversation:
While we spoke, He said, “My Spirit is present to help you but are you willing? It takes sacrifice to always come to Me, to always choose Me. It is not about what you feel but your obedience, be intentionally obedient every day. A bride is called to be obedient.”
He asked me again, “Who am I to you?”
I replied, “You are my God, my Lord, my Savior, the One I am living for, the One I have chosen to follow”
“Do you see Me as your Husband & Partner?”
“I know You are but I am not walking in that yet”
His question reminded me of something He had previously emphasized to me during our relationship’s restorative process in the month of May and June.
“I want nothing less than to have a relationship with you as your Lord and your Beloved. You have been betrothed to Me by My Father”
He went on to list a few of the many things He does for me: Providing for me. Caring for me. Comforting me. Ensuring things work out right. Teaching me, amongst countless others.
And He noted,
“I am committed to you. Goodie, be committed to Me. I am the King of Glory, you won’t know Me on a platter”
And when I was about to sleep, He concluded,
“Goodie, I have corrected you, I have taught you, I have loved you. Obey Me”
And this is the way to have eternal life—to know You, the only true God, and Jesus Christ, the One You sent to earth.
John 17:3
– Jesus
Holy Bible, New Living Translation.
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Thank you, Goodie.
Currently, I don’t see Jesus as my Husband or myself, as His Bride. I just see Him as my Abba and Friend.
I guess the intimacy I have with Him is strained and it makes it difficult for me to confide in Him about matters He is already aware about and is willing to help me with.
Thank you for the reminder ❤️
❤️❤️❤️